933 Pineapples for Countering the Whine with Wine

Some grape-based pineapples:

1. Since I am not allowed (by law) to get on a plane without drinking at least 3 glasses of wine (and a shot of whiskey...and a "calm the fuck down, you bitch" pill), I very much appreciate Vino Volo. That's right, wine tasting in airports. Brilliant!

2. I live in MA. We can't have wine delivered here. This makes me angry; it makes me even angrier because last weekend we drank a so-very-wonderful bottle of Peju Provence (brought back from Sonoma), which is conveniently not available in stores. Simply, I want more.
So, you should all go here and support wine shipment to MA.

3. Also, you should all go here and sign up for the Wine & Healthy Living newsletter. It's truly feel-good.

4. In conclusion, I'd like to report that a few weekends ago, I returned my first bottle of off wine to the store. It was supposed to be a Wine Spectator 90+ Gewurtztraminer, and the finish was like ass. This fact didn't prevent me from feeling like a total tool bringing it back. Thankfully, the clerk tasted it, agreed, and gave me a new bottle.
In any case, still felt like a douchecan.

183 Pineapples for a 15-20 Minute Rinse

The Elaine-dancing episode of Seinfeld is on right now. But that's not the point of today.

The point is two-fold:

Uno:
The back of my bottle of Fantastik reads as follows:

FIRST AID: If in eyes: Hold eye open and rinse slowly and gently with water for 15-20 minutes. Remove contact lenses, if present, after 5 minutes, then continue rinsing eye.

I don't understand. Why do I need to keep my contacts in for five minutes before removing them from the poison? This just seems ridiculous from all angles.

Dos:
Frosted Mini Wheats Big Bites (topic via Jason's breakfast).
Let's break this down:
Mini AND Big.
I'm no trophy linguist, but this sounds fishy.
So, I consulted Wikipedia. I find this thoughtful analysis:

A short-lived experiment, Frosted Mini-Wheats Big Bite, was essentially the original cereal cut into rectangles (twice the size of the original pieces) rather than squares. The larger size holds milk differently from the smaller squares, creating a different taste quality; however, as the biscuit is larger than a normal spoon, it is difficult to eat without breaking up. This may limit this version's long-term marketability.

Thank you, good Wiki, for affirming that this product is oxymoronically lame.

Tres (Bonus): Because I am now on a kick of reading the fine print of crap in my cabinets and getting a kick out of it, I'd like to report that my non-stick cooking spray kindly reminds me not to store it in the refridgerator.
So I will not.

Now, everyone go grab a bag or a box of something and report back something stupid.
Go on, do it... it'll amuse us all.
Or just me.

14 Crabapples for Whine

Today was uncomfortable for me.
This is because it was that horrid, horrid day known as "first day wearing new jeans day." You know... when they're still all stiff and crispy and bad, and you feel like you're wearing croutons with leg holes.

Also, I ran out of lotion last Thursday and kept forgetting to pick some up, so my skin has been slowly alligatoring for days. So then when I finally grabbed some Vaseline Intensive Care on my lunch break today and applied it to my angry calves, they bucked and screamed and cried like angry, angry, dry and flaky ponies. It took every ounce of will in my body not to whip out a hairbrush at work and just rake the fuck away at my tree-bark skin. Over and over and over again, right on down to my innards.

But now, now... all is resolved... the derm is beginning to hydrate, I am drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Scrubs is on.

And, to boot, I found this picture of a baby donkey and a baby dog.

45 Pineapples for Clive.

I just slammed my finger in my bureau drawer, bending my fingernail backwards.
Hurts.
I blame all of you.

But hey, you likely have tomorrow off from work, yes?

This is what you should do: see Children of Men.
All I will say is that it's "sci-fi" categorization is clearly a misnomer, as it's plausibility is irrefutable: layered, nuanced, and menacing.
And for that, it's both brilliant and to-yo'-bones unnerving.

Since I saw it today, I will not be watching it tomorrow. Instead, I will be shopping for casual, non-running sneakers that I can wear walking around and not break my face on ice and snow. Maybe like these? Or these?

304 Crabapples for Brit's (a W)hack Job

Oh Brit.
Dear, dear Brit.
I would much prefer not to go all Nancy Kerrigan on your once-so-perky ass, but Why? WHHHHHY?

Jaynie, what the fuck are you talking about?
This. This right here.

Yea, see, umm, call me shallow or "ignoring the issue at hand" or whatever... but I find that look severely unflattering for your face shape.

79 Pineapples for "Huh? What? Fatal??"

This sign hangs about 400 yds from the start/end of the Golden Gate Bridge. Upon noticing this placard, I pushed Jason to the ground violently, grabbed the camera, and took this picture while laughing like a maniac and pointing at his skinned knees and bruised forehead.

That is not true.

It was more like, "Jason, please take a picture of this because it is hilarious."
And he said okay.

30 Mulligans for Semi Sandra

I watch a lot of the Food Network, mostly because it is awesome, I am typically hungry, and watching good food is the best thing there is after eating good food, touching good food and then licking your finger, or having someone else touch good food and then licking his/her finger (only with friends). Although my heart belongs to Iron Chef (yes, even IC America), I also dig Paula Deen and The Barefoot Contessa. That said, I would be fine if Mario choked on his clogs and died a gruesome shoe-leather-and-wood-filled death in front of me and a group of impressionable young children. I also hate Emeril, even since he tried to associate BAM! with Crest toothpaste.

One gal I'm always waffling about is Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade. Is she cute and spunky? Or plastic and conniving? Or cute and conniving? Or spunky and plastic? I really just don't know.

However, I found a Food Network Expert who is very, very certain about his feelings toward Sandie:

Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time... Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see... Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

Hmm. I've already mentioned children and murder in close conjunction twice in this post.
Ah well.

12 Crabapples for Terrible Self-Scanners

There really needs to be a sign posted directly in front of grocery store self check-outs:

If You Are a Fucking Moron, Please Move to a Traditional Check-Out.

People surely wouldn't obey it, but maybe it could prevent 1 case out of 100.
It would at least be a start.

It's not that I'm intolerant, it's that I am an efficient self checker-outter. And those of us well-versed in the language of bar code scanning and key-in-your-produce-code-and-press-next should be rewarded with an "Expert Express Line" of our own. You would need to earn it, with a test of speed and accuracy judged by a grocery store employee. And then you would get a badge. Like a girl scout badge, but with a bag of groceries on it. and an RFID code. Yes, yes, this will happen.

Oh, Pedigree. Maybe a Pineapple Out of Guilt?

Because I haven't done the list thing in a while:

1. I know we've been spoiled by a mild winter, but the cold that's going on this week is not my favorite. I have been tempted to wear a wool hat at work. Or bring a blanket. And bernese mountain dogs in a wagon! HI!
::11 Crabapples, not factoring in windchill.

2. For reasons I can not explain to anyone but the most elite, I just put a jellybean in my drink. The drink makes the jellybean hard, yet tastier.
This is high-level food science.
::23 Pineapples for not being Alton Brown.

3. For lack of a better idea, I just went to Google News and searched for "weird." I found this.
I think the battery promo was an ill-conceived idea in which the sake would be seen as "energizing." Weak. Can someone who can read Japanese tell me the sake brand name? Masumi? I need context clues.
::A mulligan until I get translation help.

4. Rachael Ray is trying to tell me that Oregon has a lot of cranberry bogs. I don't know whether or not to believe her. I tend to distrust persistent perkiness.
::90 Crabapples. And I might need you to shut up.

5. I was just disrupted by a call from Emerson asking for money. Sorry, yo, I have none.
::I can't tell you how many Crabapples.

6. The Pedigree ad with the shelter dogs make me tear up. Every/single/time. You are good dogs! All of you! Even the little fuzzy shitdogs! I would take you home and love you if I could!
::Sniff.

65 Pineapples for Franklin Cafe

Go Bears.

Also:

Last night, Jason and I ate at Franklin Cafe in the South End. The South End is kind of a Boston Black Hole for me, since it's not T-accessible and I seem to get very, very lost trying to follow Tremont St. for more than a few hundred yards at a time. And since Franklin Cafe doesn't take reservations, only has 6 or so tables, and is known for it's 2-hour weekend wait, it's kind of an event to go there.

BUT: So very worth it. The wine and cocktail menu is wonderful, the bartenders are (super busy) and very efficient, the space is crowded but low-key, and the food is excellent (and, honestly, a really good value for the quality). AND we finally tried Conundrum, which has been on my Things That Are Probably Awesome List for a while. And it was.

I very much enjoy the South End. I just need to submit a plea to City Hall to move it closer to the Red Line. Preferably by summer.

And to conclude circularly, Go Bears.