3.05.2007

More Crabapples Than You Can, As They Say, Shake a Stick At!

In a valiant attempt to expand my etymological knowledge, amuse myself quietly, and confuse/make fun of others more often, I have decided to start incorporating antiquated cliches and douchey sayings into my everyday speech as much as possible. No preference will be given for use cases in which the saying actually makes sense or hints at logic.
It's a great way to feel like a tool AND actually BE a tool.

I will aim to punctuate these tired sayings with a long, drawn-out "as they say," followed by a jubilant exclamation of the cliche at hand... as if, as they say, I'm in seventh heaven(!!!).

Let's take a look at some examples:

Scenario A:
At a convenience store, buying milk and cereal.
Clerk: That'll be $5.88. Do you need a bag?
Me: A bag!?! As they say, now that's the ticket!

Scenario B:
Babysitting in a park.
Small Impressionable Child: Jaynie, when can I go on the swingset?
Me: Well, Child, as they say, every dog has his day!
Small Impressionable Child: But I don't have a dog. I WANT A PUPPY!
Me: Oh, Child, no yelling, we're in a park... you really need to, as they saaaaay, mind your P's and Q's!
Small Impressionable Child: [pees.]

Scenario C:
At an Barack Obama press conference, upon being called upon to pose the capstone question of the afternoon.
Press Rep: Yes, you there [pointing at me].
Me: [I stop waving my hand frantically.] Mr.Obama, it seems that you have quite a... as they say... bee in your bonnet(!) about voting rights for disabled and minority voters. Why exactly are you, as they say, such a busy bee(!) about this issue?


Further examples welcome.
I'll let you know how it goes as I begin to put this ordinance into action... how many times I get punched, etc.

3 Comments:

Blogger themikestand said...

Very nearly peed myself there, thankyouverymuch.

You could also have theme days (the bee theme set this off) -- for example, salt! "Salt of the earth, worth one's weight in salt, taken with a grain of salt".

Or cats! "cat got your tongue, curiosity killed the cat, more than one way to skin a cat, another kick at the cat (sorry cats)..."

Possibilities? Endless.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous jayniek said...

ah! theme days are definitely a good idea; however, that would somewhat force me to... as they say... put all my eggs in one basket!

1:26 PM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

you are somewhat shouting all of these, too, i should hope. like not angrily, but in a kinda hard of hearing way.

4:04 PM  

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