48 Crabapples for Pants

Things to not do on a weekday morning:

1. Try on old pants from the back of your closet "just to see if they fit."

They won't.

And when they won't, you will begin throwing heavy and/or clangy objects, like books and colanders and bricks. This will ensue until you begin killing people. Then you will begin loading a water gun with rubbing alcohol so you can squirt squirrels in the eyes on your way to work.

And then you will feel bad about yourself that you have become a manic crackhead over pants.

And then you will cry.

See, friends, so not worth it.