800 Crabapples for Trash That Crossed the Line

I'll have you know that Boston has the highest percentage (53.6%) of guys who have never been married in the nation, according to the Census Bureau.

I just learned this from the November issue of Cosmo, in an OH-so-OMG enlightening (no, no, not at all) article about "The Best Places to Meet a Guy."

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the trashy, pointless, mindless cream-puffery of Cosmo. Especially laying in bed. Maybe with some Smartfood. mmmmmmm Yeaaaaa.

But this article is worse than Twinkie-filling.
Check this shit out...
Cosmo's top places to find a guy:

1. The Apple Store
2. The Weight Room
3. A Fortune 500 or Tech Company [what? you just walk in? no, no, no.]
4. A Political Rally
5. A Sports Bar on a Sunday or Monday Night
6. A Volleyball League
7. A Rock-Climbing Center
8. A Steak House
9. A Grad School Coffee Shop

Good lord. A more appropriate title for this list would be "Top Places to Not Bother a Guy with a Lame Come-on (because he's busy and doesn't feel like talking to you right now. At all.)

I appreciate their creativity, and their departure from "dress like a slut and go to a bar where boys like sluts," but fricking A...

This list is the equivalent of saying that the top places to find a girl are:

1. The Nail Salon
2. The Hair Salon
3. The Rice Cake Factory
4. The Diet Coke Factory
5. The Coach Store
6. Ballet Class
7. The Dressing Room of Bebe Screaming About Her Hips
8. Curves

Okay, to be fair, I'll give them grad school coffee shop. And maybe volleyball league.

But let me tell you why I'm really not pleased with my dear Cosmo this month.
Okay, so in an article entitled "Things Guys Just Don't Want to Know About You," I give you:

"Guys don't want to know... How Smart You Are."

"Why?," you ask.
You ready?
You sure?
Fine. Here:

"If you find yourself using the names Hemingway, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche more than once per conversation, you may be guilty of academic name-dropping, which reeks of insecurity. There's no better illustration of false advertising than someone peering over a thick copy [um, as opposed to a thin copy? whatever, assfucks] of Crime and Punishment in a busy coffee shop. You may as well be wearing a sign that reads Buyer Beware."

I'm so getting one of those signs.


Blogger Stacey said...

If I used the names Hemingway, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche more than once per conversation, I think I'd have a stroke. From the pain-in-the-ass-to-pronounce names, of course, not from the "Buyer Beware" stigma.

Go Cosmo for whipping out the good old bluestocking stereotype! Whoot.

11:23 PM  
Anonymous hetherjw said...

Academic "name dropping" is wicked lame. Trying to fit Dostoevsky into a conversation about, say, crunchy goldfish crackers would be mind numbingly annoying. On the other hand actually talking to a girl who not only knows who ol' Fyodor is and is also able to talk about him in a literary context? Priceless. Thanks cosmo for helping to convince the next generation of girls to artificially dumb themselves down.

8:50 AM  
Blogger jayniek said...

My ratty couch in college was named Raskolnikov. And the creases of that thing were absolutely ridden with goldfish and wheat thins and popcorn. and, if you were lucky, quarters.

sadly, that's a true story.

jason, it was nice knowing you.

9:56 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

Forget pseudo-intellectualism. You girls might best be served dropping names like "Burnquist," "Wembly," "Lt. Falcon," "Tarkin," or "Maroney."

Though, you'll probably have to back at least a couple of them up with references or statistics.


10:10 AM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

cosmo is the devil.

just sayin'.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Stacey said...

Listen, Tom, I'm kicking some ass in my fantasy football league right now, so don't you start! ;)

3:47 PM  
Blogger Hooker said...

aren't dudes not allowed in curves?

i want to get dressed in convincing drag and infiltrate a curves.

i can just imagine me walking into a fucking nail salon trolling for trim.

5:11 PM  
Blogger jayniek said...

"i can just imagine me walking into a fucking nail salon trolling for trim."

that goes in the comment hall of fame.

6:57 PM  

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