800 Crabapples for Trash That Crossed the Line
I just learned this from the November issue of Cosmo, in an OH-so-OMG enlightening (no, no, not at all) article about "The Best Places to Meet a Guy."
Now, don't get me wrong, I love the trashy, pointless, mindless cream-puffery of Cosmo. Especially laying in bed. Maybe with some Smartfood. mmmmmmm Yeaaaaa.
But this article is worse than Twinkie-filling.
Check this shit out...
Cosmo's top places to find a guy:
1. The Apple Store
2. The Weight Room
3. A Fortune 500 or Tech Company [what? you just walk in? no, no, no.]
4. A Political Rally
5. A Sports Bar on a Sunday or Monday Night
6. A Volleyball League
7. A Rock-Climbing Center
8. A Steak House
9. A Grad School Coffee Shop
Good lord. A more appropriate title for this list would be "Top Places to Not Bother a Guy with a Lame Come-on (because he's busy and doesn't feel like talking to you right now. At all.)
I appreciate their creativity, and their departure from "dress like a slut and go to a bar where boys like sluts," but fricking A...
This list is the equivalent of saying that the top places to find a girl are:
1. The Nail Salon
2. The Hair Salon
3. The Rice Cake Factory
4. The Diet Coke Factory
5. The Coach Store
6. Ballet Class
7. The Dressing Room of Bebe Screaming About Her Hips
Okay, to be fair, I'll give them grad school coffee shop. And maybe volleyball league.
But let me tell you why I'm really not pleased with my dear Cosmo this month.
Okay, so in an article entitled "Things Guys Just Don't Want to Know About You," I give you:
"Guys don't want to know... How Smart You Are."
"Why?," you ask.
"If you find yourself using the names Hemingway, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche more than once per conversation, you may be guilty of academic name-dropping, which reeks of insecurity. There's no better illustration of false advertising than someone peering over a thick copy [um, as opposed to a thin copy? whatever, assfucks] of Crime and Punishment in a busy coffee shop. You may as well be wearing a sign that reads Buyer Beware."
I'm so getting one of those signs.