33 Pineapples for Cheesy 'Mallows

Iron Chef secret ingredient tonight is HONEY! Yes!
A welcome change from the typical feature of obscure meat slabs. And IC Cat Cora is MAKING CHEESE! Right in kitchen stadium! I may not sleep tonight from the residual excitement.

One important update: Last week I discussed Doggles. A big thank you to Dan for providing me with proof that this whole Doggles op is legit.

Also, since I'm having an absolute ball sticking dowels up Cosmo's ass lately, I'm going to continue.

Ready? This is all true.


I'm bitchy when I'm stressed. What can I do?

Cosmo says: "When you sense a bout of stress coming on...acknowledge your feelings and sum them up in one sentence, like This really sucks, making sure to identify exactly what's making you tense."

Hm. Okay. Cool. Lemme try!

Cosmo, we used to be friends and I used to respect your mind-numbing qualities and information about how to buy jeans that make my ass look nice, but you are beginning to make me feel so fucking stupid for giving money to your cause that I may begin poking pinholes in my fingers so I can bleed delicately all over your Monthly Style Checklist.

Fabulous advice, Cosmo... I think it worked!

Iron Chef Update: The challenger is making marshmallows!
Cheese v. Marshmallows? Best battle ever.


Blogger Tom said...

Best battle ever? What are you, crazy? The challenger is nothing but teeth. She doesn't have eyes! She barely plated her ice cream, and Our Favorite Judge Jefferey is probably the one who killed Cora on plating because he didn't like her oval plates.

Meanwhile, Mo Rocca, and some jazz musician as judges? PUT SOME FOOD PEOPLE ON THE PANEL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

Rocca should be chained to the green screen at "I love the eighties" and forced to spout his scathing wit at ViewMaster until he rots or we find someone more loathful to take his place. My money's on rot.

The only judges that should be allowed are
1. Jefferey
2. That southern chick who's nice to everyone.
3. Queer Eye wine guy
4. That other chick who critcizes everything, you know who I'm talking about.

And that's it. Those four, in rotation. Maybe make an exception if you want to bring an exceptionally famous foodie in for a show or two. I should still get final approval of that move though.

Also, cheese and marshmallow? Are you kidding? Did you not see Battle Goat Cheese? There was a battle. Battle Squid? Battle Potato? Come on!


9:39 AM  
Blogger jayniek said...

listen Tom, you know those oval plates were loser-tastic. and IMPOSSIBLE to eat out of. the markdown was deserved.

although... you're true in saying that the challenger was missing eyes, which was unfortunate on many levels. and she totally copied Cora on doing a cocktail.

mo rocca is actually sometimes knowledgeable, but you're right, he should probably go. and i contend that his lisp is fake.

also, i may get some contention here, but i think bobby flay would make a better judge than an IC.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

Careful where you tread. Bobby Flay is the bane of food lovers everywhere. Throwdown, first of all, is a total fake. His appearances on Iron Chef have devolved from inspirational to "today I'm going to prepare a typical menu from our sponsor, Ruby Tuesday"

and I used to believe that he had, at some point in the past, been cursed by a gypsy. Something like "if you ever make a dish without mangoes you will immediately turn into a toad"

but now, I think he's just an ass.

I think Cora's a weak Iron Chef. She's got a terrible record. I'd bet they were just desperate for a female presence. Mario's the only one with any flair/creativity/originality. Morimoto's great, but he's Iron Chef Japan, you know?

It galls me to say Mario's the best. I hate Mario. And his stupid clogs.

This issue is too big to for one comment. GAH.

12:01 PM  
Anonymous hetherjw said...

"It galls me to say Mario's the best. I hate Mario. And his stupid clogs."

So true.

I have to say the American IC is just a weak copy of the orig. Everything about the Japanese version is better. Can American TV come up with its own stuff? do we really need to have worse versions of British sit-coms and Japanese cooking shows? why can't people here just be happy watching the real shows from their home countries?

12:16 PM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

can i just say? i saw doggles on "maxed out" on the style network the other night.

yes, i watched "maxed out." and enjoyed it.

4:16 PM  
Blogger jayniek said...

kate- dude, i don't even know what "maxed out" is. I'm totally losing my edge. fuck.

The day Mario switches to crocs, I will be convinced that the 4 horses are coming forthwith.

8:22 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

hether, what are you crazy? Let me sum up an episode of Iron Chef Japan:

1. Some ridiculous quote from the judges

2. Putting live eels in ice water

3. Eating raw fish.

that's it. First of all, how is it that every, single time I turn it on someone is putting a live eel in ice water? How?

Second, how is cold live eel appetizing?

Third, nobody should get credit for rolling raw fish with vegetables. SUSHI IS NOT COOKING.

"Here we have raw tuna with rice, and some fish eggs, and a cocktail of a raw chicken egg with jasmine"

Wait, hang on a sec there, Iron Chef Japan, do you mean to tell me that NONE OF THIS FOOD HAS BEEN HEATED AT ALL EVER.


"and for our second course, cold eel"


10:19 AM  

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