17 Crabapples for DirtyNasty Mitts

ditaUpdate: I found something even stupiderder in Cosmo than Tuesday's gem.

If you have this month's issue, I urge you to turn to page 99 and focus your eyes on the hot pink inset (within a larger frame of a giggly maiden clutching a plastic bear/honey receptacle).

Read with me:

Sex Toy Tips---

If you like... Try...
Ice Cubes... Popsicles [okay]
Feathers... A Cashmere Scarf [sure]
Massage Oil... Salt Scrub [whatev]
A Hair Brush... A Kitchen Mitt

Hold up, Harry and the Hendersons.
Don't you fucking dare come at me with a crusty-ass, i've-been-in-chicken-pot-pie-and-assorted-creamy-casseroles kitchen mitt.

I may not be Dita von Teese, but hell if allow an ov-glove into my bed.
Unless it's clutching a loaded cookie sheet.


Blogger e$ said...

I think your first question should be "WTF are you doing with the hairbrush"

then you can proceed to wondering how the action of the hairbrush would be mimiced by an oven mitt.

Then you can think about where the oven mitt's been.

then you can vomit.

11:41 AM  
Blogger jayniek said...

see, i had assumed that the hairbursh would be used like a backscratcher.

This is acceptable, unless, of course, there is backhair involved, in which case it's disgusting.

ok, i am immediately skipping to step 4: vomit.

12:15 PM  
Blogger shannoxx said...

ummm.... the hair brush - kitchen mitt didn't throw me once I realized that indeed the word was kitchen and not kitten, which is what I initally saw. However, the whole ice cube - popsicle thing. That I take issue with. So ok, ice cube = melted water and that is hunky dory it's worry free and dries quickly. HOWEVER popsicle = melted sweet sticky Red 40 dye and there is NOTHING SEXY about being covered in sticky remnants.

To me that instantly requires the above mentioned step 4.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Hooker said...

for hairbrush techniques watch "Exit to Eden"

oven mitt? i'm trying to think.

maybe as a boner cozie. but other than that...

puppet show?

11:47 AM  

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