79 Pineapples for Altruistic Deshelling
Let me go back three or four paces.
So, I go home to my parents' house this past Sunday to see Sprint, my dog. Because he had surgery on his ass. He's fine, he's just old and now also has a backside that will freeze upon the season's first frost.
But this, loyal readers, is not the point.
One-armed squirrel: GO.
I go home and my dad is all like, "do you want some toilet paper? or some chocolate sprinkles? or some paprika?"
And I'm all like: "No. YES. No."
And then kinda slows down a couple notches and says, "do... you... want some unshelled peanuts?"
To which I say: "hmm."
At this point, Mom jumps in: "Have dad tell you why we have 78 containers of unshelled peanuts in the cupboard."
[Camera pans back to me.]
"Uh, dad, why do we have 78 thingies of whatever on the shelf?"
Dad: "Oh. Mom and I have a one-armed squirrel that comes to the door."
Dad: "Well, he has both arms..."
Dad: "...but one arm is limp. I think he got it lodged in a fence one time and he yarked it out and now it just, well, dangles..."
Dad: "...it's really sad."
Mom: "Jaynie, have him tell you what he does for ol' one-arm."
Me: "WAIT. I mean... uhhhhhhhhhhh... What-do-you--do?"
Dad: "I give him unshelled peanuts..."
Mom breaks in: "He puts out a plate. On a little squirrel pedestal. With the unshelled peanuts along the edge..."
And Dad finishes: "...so he doesn't need to use him arms at all."
Me: "Really? Really?"
Dad [suddenly solemn]: "Yes. Really. And one day he'll probably try to cross the street and not make it."