79 Pineapples for Altruistic Deshelling

My parents cater to a one-armed squirrel.

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Let me go back three or four paces.

***

So, I go home to my parents' house this past Sunday to see Sprint, my dog. Because he had surgery on his ass. He's fine, he's just old and now also has a backside that will freeze upon the season's first frost.

But this, loyal readers, is not the point.

One-armed squirrel: GO.

Ummmmmmmm, soooo....
I go home and my dad is all like, "do you want some toilet paper? or some chocolate sprinkles? or some paprika?"

And I'm all like: "No. YES. No."

And then kinda slows down a couple notches and says, "do... you... want some unshelled peanuts?"

To which I say: "hmm."

At this point, Mom jumps in: "Have dad tell you why we have 78 containers of unshelled peanuts in the cupboard."

[Camera pans back to me.]

"Uh, dad, why do we have 78 thingies of whatever on the shelf?"

Dad: "Oh. Mom and I have a one-armed squirrel that comes to the door."

Me: "ok."

Dad: "Well, he has both arms..."

Me: "Wait."

Dad: "...but one arm is limp. I think he got it lodged in a fence one time and he yarked it out and now it just, well, dangles..."

Me: "Wait."

Dad: "...it's really sad."

Mom: "Jaynie, have him tell you what he does for ol' one-arm."

Me: "WAIT. I mean... uhhhhhhhhhhh... What-do-you--do?"

Dad: "I give him unshelled peanuts..."

Mom breaks in: "He puts out a plate. On a little squirrel pedestal. With the unshelled peanuts along the edge..."

And Dad finishes: "...so he doesn't need to use him arms at all."

Me: "Really? Really?"

Dad [suddenly solemn]: "Yes. Really. And one day he'll probably try to cross the street and not make it."


True.