3 Crabapples for the Tittery Tia's Trio

There are a few things in life that I hate, unabashedly, without reason, and with the force of four mighty blue oxen. To name a few: giant poodles, peppermint gum, complete assholes, commercials for Bernie & Phyl's, and fancy pats of butter shaped like seashells.

There are a second category of things that I --yes-- also hate, but with distinct purpose. We have here: mushrooms (texture), sour cream (gross), jeans without back pockets (come on), and loud breathers (they make me tired and hot).

There is a third category of things that conjure up nightmares full of gorillas with horns, burnt toast with moldy jelly, and masked robbers eating mushroom caps and stealing my jewelry and shoes. Things in this category not only cause me to reevaluate the world fully, but also cause nausea and vomiting. And sometimes hives.
And, as in Category #1, they do not need or heed justification for this hatred.

On Saturday night, Category #3 welcomed a new member.
I give you: the three non-muses of Tia's on the Waterfront.

[Now, let me first make the disclaimer that typically I would need to be bound, gagged, and given at least 10-12 shots of Jack before I could be coerced to even say "Tia's" without overwhelming irony, but we were meeting people there and it actually turned out to be honest-to-goodness fun. Like, really. And they pour very good, strong drinks, even if they are in Solo cups. Okay, anyway.]

So, I'm in the bathroom at Tia's, and there are three girls furiously reapplying lipliner and mascara (wait-you carry mascara? what? really?) at the sink. Two of them are dressed identically in white pants, a silk halter in a bright, fushia and Sprite-green mod print, and strappy white heels. One was definitely under 90 pounds, with a jutting collarbone that could kill a pony. The other one, thankfully, was of more mortal proportions. The third girl wore a black tube dress. Fine. [Okay, yes, why were two dressed the same? I don't know. Stupid. But that's not the point.] They were....maybe...21? Maaaybe.

So, the conversation goes as follows:

Silk Halter #1: "I'm gonna call him and tell him I don't like him anymore."

Silk Halter #2: "Call and tell him you hate him."

Silk Halter #1: "Ohhh, yea!" [yea, totally novel...you fricking doooouche.]

Tube Dress: "You should just call and like, lay a full-on diva attack on him."

They immediately turn into a trio of wildly giggling, highly eyelinered bobbleheads.

Yea, dude, I don't need a reason to throw all three-a those bitches in Cat3.
Consider yourselves in the company of Tori Spelling and black licorice.

**Now I feel bad I talked smack about poods-- the one in the pic seems alright. A Flickr "yo" to Funkblast for possibly removing an item from Cat1.


Anonymous hetherjw said...

by "giant" do you mean full sized? As in not toy? also know as the size all poodles once were?

I will hope you mean giant as in huge like a pony and scary and are not being mean to regular poodles.

12:27 AM  
Blogger jayniek said...

listen, this wasn't even about poodles...

9:34 AM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

pssst, jason - jayne is mean to regular poodles on a regular basis. just thought you should know.

and seriously, the exact same halter top? and they were evidently there together, and didn't just happen to bump into each other there wearing the exact same outfit?? i really, i don't, i, um, whaaaa?

11:27 AM  

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