Snoop, Eazy, LC, and EPT:
Crabapples Take the Cake
I have a lot to say today. Pull up a pillow, grab a cigar or an english muffin, count your chickens before they hatch... whatever it is you do.
1. I have a hefty confession to make. It involves something very close to my heart, soul, and obsession with all things beautiful and true:
I forgot to watch the premiere of The Hills last Wednesday.
Yea, you heard me. I'm not repeating it.
I loaded up my gmail on Thursday to find this:
"How strange was it when the fashion woman critiqued their outfits?... Also, how do you feel about Heidi?...Unlike Cover Girl's partnership with ANTM, this will definitely work to Teen Vogue's advantage... when Lauren was fumbling for words and said that the always reads Teen Vogue and gets her ideas from it, I seriously thought about going out to get a copy."
I almost ended it all right there.
Instead, I watched the rerun three times this weekend. And still seriously debated if I could afford Tivo.
Something like this simply can't happen again.
::12 Crabapples to me. For reading a book during an important historical event.
2. Today, I was at a graduation party for my cousin. After the cake was cut, this old lady from the other side of the family kept saying loudly, "Any cake-eaters? Who's a cake-eater? Anyone a cake-eater? Let's see some cake-eaters!"
Holy fucking shit. For the love of God, lady, please stop saying cake-eater.
I'm dying here; dying.
::15 pineapples for inadvertent impropriety.
3. I HATE the new EPT Pregnancy Test commercial.
And I quote: "I can't concentrate; Could I be pregnant?"
Uhhhh.... ever heard of ADHD?
Know what might work better?:
"I had unprotected sex my realtor; Could I be pregnant?"
One more, while I'm at it:
"I have a disconcerting bump near my uterus, and I'm currently dipping my fishsticks in custard; Could I be pregnant?"
[note: after 2 glasses of wine, it was just necessary for me to google "women's reproductive parts" to come up with "uterus."
For this, I hate myself.]
::Crabapples chopped into little bite-sized nuggets, thrown everywhere with no logic, thought, or pattern.
4. I am wicked in love with the new Snoop/Pussycat Dolls video. I wish I could rock boots like that. And I wish I had a pole in my apartment. And those beads. Ohhh! Those beads!
Maybe I just have a thing for videos containing chair thrashing. I say this because two of the three videos that I have watched tirelessly and tried to emulate contain, yes, chair thrashing: Brit's Stronger and Brit's Crazy.
The whole Crazy obsession may also have something to do with the fact that my junior year of college, our On Demand stations offered two movies, which we watched over and over and over. and over. One was Drive Me Crazy, featuring Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the hot guy from Entourage, and this song.
[fyi- the other was Friday. Neither movie will I ever watch again.]
::For the 80th time, 93 pineapples to Britney for getting married and having kids before I was done enjoying her.
5. Speaking of, the third video that I have "watched tirelessly and tried to emulate" is Janet's If.
[um, Kate-- don't say you can't do the whole thing, too.]
Anyway, I'm listening to this on a mix CD in my car today, and I catch myself knowing all the words. And I suddenly felt embarrassed (and this is from a girl who, to this day, can recite every single word of the Eazy-E's classic, Gimme Dat Nut.)
Seriously, though, who let me sing those words when I was twelve?
Gosh.
::21 conclusive pineapples for not knowing what any of these lyrics meant until I was in college.
1. I have a hefty confession to make. It involves something very close to my heart, soul, and obsession with all things beautiful and true:
I forgot to watch the premiere of The Hills last Wednesday.
Yea, you heard me. I'm not repeating it.
I loaded up my gmail on Thursday to find this:
"How strange was it when the fashion woman critiqued their outfits?... Also, how do you feel about Heidi?...Unlike Cover Girl's partnership with ANTM, this will definitely work to Teen Vogue's advantage... when Lauren was fumbling for words and said that the always reads Teen Vogue and gets her ideas from it, I seriously thought about going out to get a copy."
I almost ended it all right there.
Instead, I watched the rerun three times this weekend. And still seriously debated if I could afford Tivo.
Something like this simply can't happen again.
::12 Crabapples to me. For reading a book during an important historical event.
2. Today, I was at a graduation party for my cousin. After the cake was cut, this old lady from the other side of the family kept saying loudly, "Any cake-eaters? Who's a cake-eater? Anyone a cake-eater? Let's see some cake-eaters!"
Holy fucking shit. For the love of God, lady, please stop saying cake-eater.
I'm dying here; dying.
::15 pineapples for inadvertent impropriety.
3. I HATE the new EPT Pregnancy Test commercial.
And I quote: "I can't concentrate; Could I be pregnant?"
Uhhhh.... ever heard of ADHD?
Know what might work better?:
"I had unprotected sex my realtor; Could I be pregnant?"
One more, while I'm at it:
"I have a disconcerting bump near my uterus, and I'm currently dipping my fishsticks in custard; Could I be pregnant?"
[note: after 2 glasses of wine, it was just necessary for me to google "women's reproductive parts" to come up with "uterus."
For this, I hate myself.]
::Crabapples chopped into little bite-sized nuggets, thrown everywhere with no logic, thought, or pattern.
4. I am wicked in love with the new Snoop/Pussycat Dolls video. I wish I could rock boots like that. And I wish I had a pole in my apartment. And those beads. Ohhh! Those beads!
Maybe I just have a thing for videos containing chair thrashing. I say this because two of the three videos that I have watched tirelessly and tried to emulate contain, yes, chair thrashing: Brit's Stronger and Brit's Crazy.
The whole Crazy obsession may also have something to do with the fact that my junior year of college, our On Demand stations offered two movies, which we watched over and over and over. and over. One was Drive Me Crazy, featuring Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the hot guy from Entourage, and this song.
[fyi- the other was Friday. Neither movie will I ever watch again.]
::For the 80th time, 93 pineapples to Britney for getting married and having kids before I was done enjoying her.
5. Speaking of, the third video that I have "watched tirelessly and tried to emulate" is Janet's If.
[um, Kate-- don't say you can't do the whole thing, too.]
Anyway, I'm listening to this on a mix CD in my car today, and I catch myself knowing all the words. And I suddenly felt embarrassed (and this is from a girl who, to this day, can recite every single word of the Eazy-E's classic, Gimme Dat Nut.)
Seriously, though, who let me sing those words when I was twelve?
Gosh.
::21 conclusive pineapples for not knowing what any of these lyrics meant until I was in college.
posted by jayniek at 10:07 PM
2 Comments:
I am so shocked I can almost not type after reading that you missed The Hills. A book? Jayne books are always around reruns are fleeting.
was that pineapples for Brit getting married?
Can we talk about the fact that the ONE semester in college that I was in dance club, we performed the bulk of the moves from Janet's If video? Yes, including the sequence where the women run their hands down the men's stomachs, reach underneath their crotches, then push them down to the ground. And, all of the rest. Scandalous!
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