91 Crabapples for Falafel Foolishness

So, today I was thinking about that horror story for little kids where the young girl walks around with a ribbon around her throat at all times and will never take it off... and then, at the very end, she takes it off and her head falls off.
Wait-- does that story actually exist?
Yes. Right? Yes? Yes.

Okay, and because that is what i've been thinking about... well, that... along with an uncontrollable craving for chicken nuggets and a raging urge to jump on an outdoor trampoline... I've chosen to steal someone else's story tonight. Believe me-- it's safer this way.

This story comes by way of one of my coworkers. For this purpose, let's call him "Mark," even though his real name is Dan.
Oh shit. Sorry Dan.

So, "Mark" leaves to get lunch. Noble so far, right? Right? Yes.

Now, I will move to the part of the story that is narrated by "Mark", who has so kindly given me permission to use his retelling of the story, since I, like, wasn't there, etc.

Here goes:

*** i was at soundbites with "Tom" (Steve) and "Joey" (Max), it's a breakfast/lunch place...we go there often for lunch.

usually they pass out lunch [mostly middle-eastern specialties] and breakfast [american diner food] menus, they look the same except one is yellow and one is orange. last week a co-worker told me the middle eastern combo is the best thing to get there. i usually get an omelet.

today i wanted to try the combo though, and they didn't pass out the lunch menu. I thought that was just a mistake.

the owner takes our order.
they order breakfast, i nonchalantly order hummus, falafel and taboulleh combo. the owner looks startled for a brief second but writes it down and takes the order no problem.

20 minutes later as we are eating. a woman from two tables away comes right over to me. she asks me in a really annoyed and insistent tone:

"what is that?" "is that falafel?"

me: "yes"

"WHERE did you order that? i didn't see it on the menu."

me:"i didn't see it on the menu either. actually it's on the lunch menu and we didn't get one."

"oh. well now I'm REALLY ANGRY."

she storms away and makes her way to the owner.

"You gave him the falafel because you are sexist and he's a man!!"

owner: "No I am not sexist I treat woman better than I treat men!"

customer: "Yes you are"

owner: "No I am not. You can sue me!!"

customer: "You must know him and that's why you gave him the falafel combo lunch"

owner: "No I do not know him. I never met him.
owner (directly to me): "Have I ever met you in my life before, Mr?"

me: (instinctively keeping my head down at this point): "no"

owner: "You see I have never met him. You can sue me."

customer: "I will."

during this whole thing their voices were raised really loud and the whole rest of the cafe (about 25 tufts students) was silent while the two of them were yelling and pointing at my plate from opposite sides of the room.

after it dies down the owner went over to the woman and said "I am sorry for raising my voice towards you..(she gives him nasty look here I think, and then he says)...but you can still SUE ME!"


I'm back. See? A fab story if you're gonna steal a story. (thanks dan)

SO SO SO... who can guess why this story made me throw my pen down on my desk (a Vytorin pen that, incidentally, I stole from the UPS guy by accident after he asked for it back twice and I still habitually tucked it into my ponytail... and...what's Vytorin? Oh, and the pen is sooo so smooth...) and get angry inside?

Here's why:
Lady, do not throw down the sexist card when it so obviously had nothing to do with your damn gender. You...uh... didn't order it. Stop it with the whole "that man is mean to women" bullshit. He'll start being mean to you if you keep up the 'tude though... not because you're female, but rather because you're fricking obnoxious.

I have two more things to say (because I always have two more things to say):

1. Lady, who needs falafel that badly? I mean, falafel's cool and everything, but, honestly, like, not that cool. Or, more importantly, not that rare; actually, it's not rare at all. Not at all. It's chick peas...or fava beans. Or something that comes in a can for 50 cents. And then fried. And you're upset? Stop it. And anyway, it's not like you woke up in the morning and the first thing you thought was "wow, hey now, the sun's out...54 degrees...FALAFEL!! How dearly I want FALAFEL!!" Did that happen? No, no it didn't. You know it didn't. And if it did, know what you could have done? Yup: asked for falafel. You ordered eggs or whatever because eggs or whatever were fine. and you kinda wanted eggs anyway (don't even tell me you didn't).

2. How sad am I that I wasn't there to see that in person? Very.
Because I think I would have been 89% tempted to either:
a. throw my fork in the air and yell "brown cow, brown cow, blue duck, aaaaand knickers!"... simply to create an equivocally absurd situation to what was happening around me.
b. start yelling at the top of my lungs that the restaurant owner guy was the best lover I had ever had... and he ALWAYS treated me like a lady. And fed me falafel. in bed.

but, um, only if I had the proper orange menu.


Blogger kate.d. said...

this is just to say that i had falafel for lunch the other day. it was good. and non-sexist.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Mack Collier said...

"b. start yelling at the top of my lungs that the restaurant owner guy was the best lover I had ever had... and he ALWAYS treated me like a lady. And fed me falafel. in bed."


10:25 AM  

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