5 Crabapples for Kicking the Carnivores

I have a coupla bones to pick this afternoon.

Uno: Know what should be illegal? Pressing the "walk" button and then deciding not to walk across the street. Or pressing the button but then trying to walk across anyway, without waiting for the signal. Upon deeper contemplation, I believe that walklights in general should be illegal. If you are not capable of skillfully dodging traffic and getting to the other side of the street by your own defenses, then you do not deserve to get to the other side of the street.
4 crabapples for maladroit pedestrians.

Two: Unless you have utterly given up on life, you did not watch the Dr.Phil special on Paula Abdul's failin' & flailin' love life. Because I have only 4% given up on life, I watched about 4% of it. At one faux-poignant point, Paula is lamenting about not being able to find a good man or some shit, and Dr.Phil hands her a hankie--- a hankie embossed with the DR.PHIL LOGO. F you, Phil.

And for being a delicate pansy/faucet on national TV, 7 crabapples for Paula.

Three: Penny Marshall has 3 Tivos. I don't get why anyone would need three. As such, 33 crabapples for abusing ownership power of luxury media items.

Four: Who is Tim Allen's agent and why hasn't s/he been shot yet? Good gracious... all that Santa Claus(e) shit, and now he's starring in a remake of The Shaggy Dog.
1 Crabapple for Tim and his agent to share. Paired with a handle of Jim Beam.

Five: Nick wants Jessica's money; and who can blame him? It seems that Jess failed to compose a prenup. Poor Jess needed Jamie Foxx about 3 years ago when the popsters popped it: holla, we want prenup, we want prenup...
And where the fuck was Daddy Joe? He's all up Jess and Ashlee's asses now, where the hell was he when his baby-blond baby was being swept away to be bedded for the first time?

Six: Boots over jeans. Especially ugg boots and/or gross fur-rimmed suede wanna-be-uggs pulled awkwardly over "how the fuck can you sit?" dark denim. 67 pineapples to anyone who can look me in the eye and tell me how this trend is in any way flattering to anyone.

Now, in all fairness, I also have some bones to bone.

Uno: Shania Twain's husband is 57 years old! 2 Pineapples to him!
[Although... in the same article, Shania mentions that they have raised their son (named Eja-- what? stupid.) as a strict vegan because "We can't say, don't kick that cow. But you can eat that cow." Why not? I'd say it. Okay, so maybe you wouldn't want to replace "cow" with "kid" in their holy mantra, but otherwise, it sounds fine. 5 bracketed 'bapples.]

Two: Rachel Ray reviewed this restaurant called "Dips" in NYC today on Tasty Travels (no, I'm not at work). I would like cheese fondue as soon as possible. Also, her husband (I think... although she referred to him as her "sweetie," so I don't really know what that means) is super cute. For that, 5 pineapples dipped in some kind of cream cheese glaze.

Three: I got a letter in the mail on Saturday from Arbitron radio ratings. Inside was a letter telling me to sign up to be a rater-person. And a dollar. Huh? Are they playing off the whole "I'll give you a dollar if you tell Mr.Smith he's an asshole in bio today"? Or what? Seriously, what? It was a fresh spankin' dollar, too... hot off the press.

Maybe they're taking the route of Microsoft, which is launching a new promo in which they hand out prizes to their search engine users when they hit on winning keywords.
Theme: We must incentivize because Google is big and scary and good at what they do.
(And, as a sidenote, some blogger uncovered all of Microsoft's keywords and caused a big pre-promo uproar. Good for him, even though hacking is very bad.)

This may be nutty, but why don't you just...um... make your search features/ rating systems better so we want to use them because they are useful, not because you are proving to me that your products are sub-par by giving me dumb things in exchange for wasting my time using them. Know what I do with dollar bills? I spit on them.
[Actually, I plan to use this dollar to buy 20 pieces of Bazooka, but whatever.]
1 pineapple for a free dollar, but 55 crabapples for the point behind it.

I apologize for my huge crabapple count today. I obviously don't understand President's Day.


Blogger kate.d. said...

sometimes i feel like i need to write down a list of the things i want to comment on from your posts.

pedestrians: right on. there used to be a crosswalk on comm ave near jason's apartment (well, come to think of it, i guess it's still there), and since comm ave is divided by t tracks you only had to cross two lanes of traffic between the t stop and his street. yet he would insist on pushing the walk button instead of just waiting for a break in traffic. i believe this is because he has a sadistic streak and/or a god complex.

simpsons: yeah, where was joe simpson? that is a great question. i smell some type of scandal here, and i think you should try to uncover it and have Us Weekly pay you a billion dollars and then you'll be rich.

tim allen: yes. i'd make fun of it if it weren't so sad.

ok, that's it.

10:45 AM  
Blogger jayniek said...

Okay, before someone kicks my ass, I'm not condoning some sort of Frogger For People here, just the courtesy of not pressing the button if you don't need it.

I, for one, am an unmatched expert at dodging cars.

Until today, of course, when I will obviously be the target of every Buick in the greater Boston area.

12:28 PM  

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