2.22.2006

4 Pineapples for 4 Aching BUT THENs

Tonight, I am aching. I am aching for four very important reasons:

1. This morning, I fell down concrete stairs backwards trying to do a normal human task called "stretching." No, I was not attempting a triple salchow in running shoes; but, apparently, I am as klutzy while in banal stasis as I am in Olympic motion.

2. I have, like, forty links that I want to share with you, but I also currently have the organizational attention-span of a leper. (Yes, yes, lepers, as a rule, are extremely flitty. And mean to cats.)

3. I just ate my last red jello snack cup and now I only have orange and orange can kiss my ass.

4. I have been trying to remember what that dance is called that I think is called "The Monkey." If not, it should be; regardless, I strive for accuracy in my mental minutiae storehouse.

So, let me go ahead with Linkstock '06 so I can then scurry upstairs to tell my neighbor that she is listening to her old-lady-murder-mystery shows at waaay-hey-hey too high a volume.

***

I have for you a little chronology:

In November 2004, John Battelle (of "the-book-I'm-reading-right-now" fame) wrote this gemlike account of gadgetry, desire, and affordable wine. In sum, Battelle wondered when we would have the technology to price-check (comparing MSRP and other local merchants) by product barcode at, say, the supermarket-- by cell phone. Now, if I had read this in '04, even with a New Media degree in my pocket (or at home... or up my ass), I would have taken it with a little chuckle and possibly a half-grin. Sorta like when I read 1984 in '76. (ahhh---if those days weren't the shit, huh?)

BUT THEN--
[and by then, I mean now]
John reports back a week or so ago with--- ta di da --- a barcode-scanning phone-o. Toot toot!

BUT THEN--
[and by then, I mean now]
I notice today that Ad Age has the scoop on a similar phone, but this time with mp3-buying capabilities. Designed for use with satellite radio, listeners can press a "buy" button to download the mp3 they're listening to right then and there-- or put it in a shopping cart for later.

BUT THEN--
[and by then, I mean now]
I read the latest buzz from Adjab, which reveals ABC's plans to make clothes and products on their shows immediately available for purchase online. Now, there are websites out there (I know because I am not ashamed to visit them) that stock wardrobe pieces of the stars (but, not, you know, the wardrobe pieces of the stars). So this whole idea has been around, sure... but definitely not this mainstream.

Okay, no more BUT THENs... one of my widgets just pretended to cough, while I know I heard him muffledly say "not. funny." (And yes, I am now using "widget" as slang for "the other half of my brain that is not amused by me at all and just wants me to stop typing so I will take her/it to Stop & Shop.)

One more story, though:
So when I was little, I freaking loved Building 19. If you did not grow up as a restless child in Massachusetts, you may not know that Building 19 is this gross chain of thrift stores with the motto: "Good Stuff. Cheap." The thing is this: it is not good stuff. It is coloring books that are so dirty that you can't see the black outlines, and it is jello molds that would kill a bird if you threw one at a bird. [That reminds me... Orange Jello-- rot. in. hell.]

So, anyway, as if Building 19 was not gross enough-- (And, by the way, the only reason I loved it was that they had cool crap like rolls of stickers with scary porcelain dolls on them, or packs of 50 pairs of silver and black shoelaces, or big boxes of 100+ skeins of mustard-yellow yarn) -- Adrants was nice enough to expose Building 19 for publishing a promo flyer advertising "Wife-Beaters." At least the Building's spokesman, Jerry Ellis, had the unmatched courage to deliver this heartfelt apology: "It's a slang expression, a street expression, but we should have known better not to use it. I am supposed to read every word. Sometimes it's busy or I am lazy."
Hey-- can't call that guy a liar.

As a final thought on the night, I really would like to know the name of that dance that I have been doing (both in my head and in physical form). I will explain. Both arms are straight, hands in fists, one arm up-one arm down, repeat tirelessly. "The Monkey," right?

See, these barcode phones are awesome and all, but what I really need is a video-to-text search engine where I can do this dance for my webcam and then feed it into a movement-actualizer and it would translate my actions into text (better than I did) and then thread those words through a search engine. Larry? Sergey? Guys? I have an idea!

3 Comments:

Blogger Mack Collier said...

In one post you busted your ass, had jello kissing it, and a New Media degree shoved up it.

My condolences to your ass.

4:00 AM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

the word "salchow" is funny, and jello is fucking gross. you should never eat any color of jello, unless it is used as a device to put vodka in your stomach.

not that i do that kind of thing anymore. i am a grown up, ok?

10:10 AM  
Anonymous e said...

we have built and continue to develop a phone application called visual radio - it allows radio stations to interact with users - they can rate songs, buy songs, participate in trivia contests, learn about bands etc.

it's cool stuff.

i'll send you a flash example.

and - the reading 84 in '76 - definitely an all time high metaphor. it's going in the book of jayners.

10:23 AM  

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