For Unsheathing Absolute Truths:
77 Pineapples for K-Cav

Over the past fews day I’ve tried to keep my nosy little fingers on the pulse of all that is Googlicious. “I will tackle the big issues of our day!” I shouted, hands firmly planted upon my hips, neck elongated and rooster-chested.

And I started getting more and more readers! Success!


You see, at least 50 % of my readers come through searches for “Kristen Cavallari + something [insert: pigtails, red carpet, new show, boyfriend, taser gun]”…

And I haven’t even said a damn thing about Kristen in weeks. And, to be honest, I’ve never ever ever said anything worth its weight in guano.

When I got a hit from Malaysia yesterday for “Kristen Cavallari + hot bikini,” I admittedly felt a bit defeated. MSN, AOL, and Google consider me a leading source on the subject. And I tend to trust Google--- have I mentioned??

Ladies and gents—I have nothing further to say about Kristen at the present time (and I understand that by continually repeating her name I am only bringing in more KC traffic), but I will certainly be back with updates after her new show premieres on Feb. 7. Maybe I’ll even begin my in-depth look at possible reasons why she’s garnered such a loyal following (yes, including myself) so quickly.

Until then, 77 pineapples to K-Cav for teaching me that all branches of the world enjoy a sneering blond with a don’t-fuck-with-me-attitude.
As long as she’s hot.

Seriously, readers… I’m here for all of your breaking news needs.


Blogger kate.d. said...

ok, i just had to google her because i was thinking of the wrong person. for some reason, i thought you were talking about the girl on smallville. why? i have no idea.

i should have known such popularity on the search engines would be connected to laguna!

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So the kids here watch "The OC" (religiously) but have not even HEARD of laguna. "But, it like, IS laguna here" CF hits for K-Cav from Dubai forthcoming.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, her upn show sucks and shes just scrapingh the bottom of the gutter.... i grew up in beverlly hills, and trust me, shes new money trash, NOT cute or pretty, kinda fatso and a total whore. as taylor said on the show, "fine, go be with a whore"
plus her voice is a scraping donkey sounding abortion and she looms like she got an eye job in tijuana. i cant wait till she finds out all the VDs shes got throwing her meat-curtian pussy around. im a guy, and i wouldnt touch her with my worst enemie's dick!

2:57 PM  

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