5 Crabapples for Lack of Lyrical Follow-Through

Lately, I haven't been drinking as much coffee as I'm used to.

This morning, however, my head was mumbling random phrases such as "electric ostrich," "big phatty egg-based pastries," "Max Headroom is yo' mama," and "I'll fucking kill yo' ass if you don't feed me java." I took the cue from the Max Headroom blather and oiled up the coffeemaker. Ain't nobody poke-a da-funna at my momma.

What that means is that I am now sleepy. Because when the devil went down to Georgia, he found caffeine. And then he gave it to us laypeople to caress, love, and exploit.

What that also means is that you get a semi-shitty list today. And I am semi-sorry.

1. hi. If you have the time and inclination to go back to my new year's post, you will see that I predicted that Gwenyth would get pregnant again. This fact was confirmed this past Tuesday. What do I say to that? I say, with due emphasis, bizz. bizza. bizz-Natchez.

and "yay"; I will also say "yay."

2. I was thinking this morning what I would have as my goal if I went on MTV's Made. My first response would have to be to star in Chicago, but I'd also take being a Big 10 Cheerleader; alternately, I'd like to become Natalie Portman. But I don't think MTV can do that-- turn you into other people-- but maybe. I think i am too old anyway. But sometimes I watch the cheer competitions on ESPN and I remember (for a few seconds at a time-- because otherwise it makes me stand up and make rigid arm movements and yell like a 'rangatang about "having spirit") how much I used to enjoy cheerleading. Go ahead, mock away; I think it is cool. I enjoy listening to cheermixes in the privacy of my apartment and cheering for the man who walks his welsh corgi -- like I am Peyton Manning in that Visa (is it Visa?) commercial, but shorter and a little bit cooler and a tidsy bit more into accessories and flavored lip gloss. Maybe I should write to that TLC show that is kinda like Made but for grown-ups; I think it's called Faking It. Yes. I totally will write a letter. Forget getting a phD... I want to be tossed in the air and yell things like "Go! - Big! - Blue!" and wear sparkle hair-spray and severe eyeliner and two tight french braids with curly ribbon on the ends. Either that, or again, I'll play Roxie. Dealer's choice.

I'm kinda kidding. But really, I'm kinda not.
Regardless, I give myself a mulligan to become some sort of starlet that involves fishnets and/or a side ponytail.

3. I wish I could find the lyrics to the Making the Band song. The Lately I've been looking for a man... song that I talked about before. I keep having blog visitors looking for the lyrics ever since I mentioned it, and I'd really like to stand and deliver. But i did figure out the next line, if that's even 5% helpful. I think it's "with a bod so good he got me eating outta his hand."

This is obviously a crucial song for the welfare of our nation, not to mention the escalation of bird flu in the northwest, so I will do my best to find more. Remember though... I can only do what I can do. 5 impatient crabapples to me until I find these lyrics.

4. I fricking love Ryan Cabrera. And I need him to get back together with Ashlee. A year or two ago (whenever Ash's reality show was on), they showed the two of them making the On the Way Down video together, and she wasn't scripted to kiss him, but she did, and that was the first time they kissed, and it was so cute and hot in, like, a 17-year-old way, and that's so exciting! Yay! I say "yay!" 94 pineapples for first kisses against brick walls in front of 80-member production crews. That's my new goal. Maybe I should slap on some Love's Baby Soft or whatever assy-lassie perfume I wore when I was 17 and see what happens. Or maybe I should just cut to the chase and become a teenage pop star. Cher was really onto to somethin' with that "turn back time" bizalaky.

5. The new Honda truck commercial soundtrack sounds eerily like the Roseanne theme song. It makes me chilly and mournful. 6 crabapples for not double-checking to see if your adspace is cluttered with shitty sitcom allusions. BOO. I said BOO! Not "yay." And I say "yay" easy-pleasey now'days.

6. Urgent memo: Vanna White is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! I told you she was awesome (refer back to --eeh-- mid December, maybe?). Check out the pic of Vans doing her best Jennifer Beals impression. Getta frickin' loada that there thigh tendon-- she's so cool.