45 Crabapples Dipped in Skippy (chunky, of course)

Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

After nearly careening off the highway because I was hell-bent on remembering the 5-4-3-2-1 hand gesture combination from the Miss You Much video, it hit me like a bucket of melons:

I truly miss Miss Janet Jackson.

I miss the one I used to know. The Control days, the Escapade days, the "it's Janet, Miss Jackson if you're Nasty" days, the days of studded black leather and moths to flames burned by the fire, days of bald men's heads used as tetherballs between her legs.

Janet? Where did you go, darlin? And, for the record, Jermaine Dupri is not not (not) hot.

5 pineapples for promoting a new brand of Alpha female nasty-cool. 6 crabapples for lovin', leavin', and dating someone I don't approve of. Aren't there any grown-up members of Menudo left that you can lasso? I don't know much Latin, JJ, but I know this: cave canem.


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In other news, I saw a picture of Kelly Ripa on the cover of one of those $1.99 celeb 'zines. Her chest is frighteningly bony and ribcage-ish, like Debra Messing's chest the season before she got pregnant when she was freakishly skinny and they always put her in tight deep V-neck halters with no bra. I don't understand those bones; does the ribcage really start that high, or are some people's chestbones ribbed like that? I just felt mine, and I don't think it would look corrugated like that even if I was 32 pounds. Although I haven't been 32 lbs since I was 8 months old, so I don't really remember. And I just looked at a bunch of Kelly pics online and saw none of that hyperboniness from previous years. I noticed it initially last week when I was home for xmas break and could engage in the luxury of morning show fa-la-la. I promise to keep tabs on this and keep you updated. Kell- 45 crabapples. I recommend slicing them up with a little PB.

Also, the new Fall-Out Boy video for Dance, Dance is such a crappy Outkast rip-off. 77 crabapples, you lameass copykittens.

And as a closing FYI, Lindsay Lohan's New Year's Rez is to "do more charity work." Mine is to stop calling her a high-flyin', low-lyin' skank-ass hoe.
66 pineapples because.