Barely Thought-Through Fruit-Bestowing
Before I move on to the critical matter that really matters (at least for the next 6-7 minutes of your life), I would like to pause to reflect on some fluffy little blips on my radar that can't seem to hold my attention for a full post, but warrant a mention for the time being:
1. How many seasons of Real World/Road Rules Challenge and The Gauntlet can Mike "the Miz" participate in before he admits that this isn't a real career? Game off; and 4 crabapples.
2. How catchy is that song from Making the Band? Lately I've been looking for a man... As a crucial aside, I have a crush on Aubrey. She's amazing and beautiful and talented and has even better eyelashes than Halle Berry. And let's not get started on her abs. fuck. No, no... seriously. 12 pineapples.
3. I'm so pissed that I missed the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Damn my constant struggle to stay up past 10pm. Tyra is really wearing on me though, so maybe it's better that way. I need to make sure I'm up an' at 'em for the next season of ANTM. 1 mulligan.
4. Speaking of.... Nicole! I knew it! It was way overtime for a "conventional" beauty to win. Sure, she's "safe" looking, but it's also a safe bet that she'll get exponentially more media play than Naima. 7 pineapples.
5. Madonna's new CD is really good. Well, the half I heard. .5 pineapples.
6. Scrubs is back in new episodes in january. 5 pineapples for the janitor, 1 pineapple every time Dr.Cox calls J.D. a girl's name, and 1 more for Elliot's ever-improving style. [thanks for the heads-up, Jillers. You always get as many pineapples as you want.]
7. How good is orange soda and whiskey? You guessed it: so good. 5 pineapples when drunk (is that the right verb form? yea? okay, yea.) without the accompaniment of Holiday Junior Mints; 6 with. [Ultra-perceptive readers may take a quixotic stab at what i'm doing right now.]
8. I really like Rory from Gilmore Girls. She's the type of girl I'd really like to be if I could keep myself tethered. But I also think if I was that forwardly contemplative, I'd get poked in the eye on purpose on a semi-regular basis. I guess I'm going with 2 crabapples, purely out of unbuttressed spite.
9. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm glad that Sienna Miller took back Jude. I'm not sure if it has more to do with how good I am at doling out forgiveness, or how it's really not even worth talking about how hot he is. 1 mulligan.
10. I stole that last phrase from Wes on The Real World: The Shit They Should've Shown, in the context of: "Johanna is so sexy, it's not even worth talking about." I really like that; I will use it. A pineapple for every time I steal the phrase.
11. I can't sit still when I hear Kelly Clarkson's "Gone." Listen, I've already admitted to having Natalie Imbruglia on my Shuffle, so really, what've I got to lose? While I'm at it, I'll go ahead and admit that I feel the need to break into a kick-boxing/lyrical jazz routine every time I hear it. This routine varies, but always involves a lot of emphatic pointing at the door. 68 pineapples.
12. Vanna White is 48 years old. In her honor, I give you these imperativos:
a. In 1997, her official title was changed from "letter turner" to "letter toucher." Technology really is the cat's meow.
b. Vanna is in the Guiness Book as "TV's Most Frequent Clapper." With 720x per show and 28k per season, I dare you to clap more.
c. Vanna has published an autobiography (aptly titled "Vanna Speaks," along with several books on crochet. No comment.
d. And I quote: "As a child, when I was having that alphabet soup, I never thought it would pay off." Ibid on the commentlessness.
e. Vanna says her favorite food is White Castle burgers. I bet that's not true.
f. Overall, a 'napple and a crabbie, in all fairness.
This post has led me to put on August and Everything After, which is most often followed by laying on the floor and staring at the rug for a while, so I should really get on that.
...As many pineapples as I can muster.
And by the way, Holiday Junior Mints? Red and green inside? You betcha.