ANTM: Eighty-Six Crabapples for Jeff Guinee
Hold it. America's Next Top Model doesn't allow male contestants; and Jeff is a male name; and...hmmm... who is the hell is Jeff Guinee? Is he related to Bob the bachelor? Valiant attempt, but that would actually be Guiney (and that little furry thing that ferociously drinks dribbly-drips out of a metal straw... guinea)... But back to the matter at hand-- Jeff Guinee, founder of.........
Yes, m'am and/or sir, we have here a petition. Guess what, though... guess what, guesswhaa...guesswhaaat... Manny doesn't want to keepmanny. And (here comes the ANTM tie-in)... he reminds me a bit of Cassandra from the current season of Top Model. Quick background: Cassandra, gorgeous pageant girl with long wavy chestnut hair...during the ladies' initial makeovers, Cassie's hair was cut pixie-short and dyed champagne blonde. She flipped. But stayed. And honestly, her hair was totally cute and totally flattering and she definitely had the bone structure to get away with it - no questions asked. But then for the next shoot they wanted to trim it up just a little, fix a little shaggy-baggy mild mulletness in the back. Total flip-out: screaming, screeching, bawling, instances of throwing things interwoven with uneven, strobing convulsions. Why now, Cassie? They already cut 15 inches off, and you mini-spazed, but then you dealt, and you did well, and your reel was great, and everyone told you how flattering the shape of the cut was to your cheekbones. Another fraction of an inch was your tipping point? Well, sorry, Lady Cassandra, you missed your "understandable freak-out" window, and now you just look like a fool. A lit-tle-tiny-baby fool.
Now, I know this analogy has to be reshaped a great deal to wrap around Manny's frame, but come with me for a second... While Manny can't trade himself, his ardency to leave (albeit media-siphoned) can easily be transmitted and eaten up by thirsty fans. And, because we know he's a 10-5 vet (10 yrs in the majors and 5 with the sox), we know he holds the authority to approve any trade in which he is a pawn. That said, I would say we're allowed to consider him more than a caddy in this whole deal, which makes the whole situation a lot more mannypersonal. So, let's say he holds 2 cards out of a full deal, and we're allowed to see 1. Now (since I'm in the mood for a metaphorical journey) let's call his raw hitting talent an ace, his symbiosis with Ortiz an ace (not that big papi can't shake that thang alone...or..um...leave too...sorry, sorry...ouch, i just got slapped), we still know that the one other card Manny is showing us is nothing better than a random non-trump low. And he's fiery about showing it. So is he hiding another ace in there somewhere? Or, is he like Cassie-- realizing that he can't beat the full house he senses across the table but simply can't be professional about trying to find a solution? Let's not tempt him with that extra quarter-inch, Jeff Guinee. My very circuitous point is this--- if Manny wants to go, let him say so in his own special manny-way before he starts convulsing and throwing things. because don't think he won't. and then that's just embarassing for all of us.
But, here's the thing- no crabapples for Manny. Despite tripping over invisible spickets, he gets an eternal pineapple (sure, sure, whatever, for being Manny...). The crabapple barrage is targeted at Jeff for likening the imminent trade to that of Babe Ruth (check out the site for the exact quote). Jeffie, do you really want to listen to Dan Shaughnessey blather about The Curse: The Sequel? (and subsequently, how he coined the term?) Me neither. So shut up about it before he catches wind.
For preemptive ditch-digging and unnecessary curse allusions, 85 crabapples, and for forcing me to compare Manny to a 90-pound chick, 1 more.
Now, everyone disagree with me and go sign his fricking petition.