88 Very Small-but-Cunning Pineapples for Mousedeer

Today I am making christmas cookies. The hardest thing about making christmas cookies is refraining from eating all of them when they are hot, soft, and gorgeous right out of the oven. Diet magazines will tell you to chew a piece of gum while you are baking so you are not tempted to eat the warm cookies; what they will not tell you is that gum is very different than homemade cookies, even if it is new Orbit Bubblemint (tm). Cookies have things like butter and chocolate in them, which taste very good in one's mouth. On the other hand, gum has things like candililla wax and sodium carboxymethylcellulose in it. Wanna know what dreams aren't made of?

Yuppers... sodium carboxymethylcellulose.

So anyway, I am going to eat a lot of cookies today and my hips can shut the fuck up about it.

In other news, yesterday's post about the Hen, Fox, and Blue Duck reminded me of my new favorite children's book hero(ine?), Mousedeer. Mousedeer is real. S/he is the size of a mouse, but has the heart&soul of a very large deer, which makes him/her quite astounding in both forest technique and style. If anyone is interested in reading a Mousedeer story (great for those nights where you just can't sleep and you ate your last Tylenol PM the night before), please visit Mousedeer and the Crocodile. I would also like to thank quantum-conservation.org for proving that a mousedeer is a real thing. After reading the story, I frickin' dare you not to want to live your life in the mold of MD.

Okay, and upon rereading this enlightening tale, I have discovered that Mousedeer is a boy. This means, of course, that Mousedeer and I may start dating. As I mentioned in my heading, 88 pint-sized pineys for you, you sexy little powerhouse.

In other-other news, Sean Williams has been reinstated to play BC bball. The funniest part of this story is that the judge presiding over the trial told Seanie: "Be very, very careful... If I were you, I'd crouch down a little when walking around campus." Way to encourage the kid to stand tall and redeem himself. Oh, and btw, Judge Donnelly, I believe Sean is 6'10", which is crucial in me positing that crouching ain't gon' do shit, brotha-man. Crabapples... crabapples for everyone!

Speaking of crabapples, check out the skull-capped musings of Pachy. I'm so honored that he employed my rating method in throwing well-deserved crabbers at Barbara Wawa's "Heaven: Where is it?" special that I'm so pissed that I missed. 9 egg-shaped pineapples to you for buzzin' 'bout my fruity system.

Revisting Pachy's site also reminded me to revisit another complete winner: Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About. 12 pineapples for composing the most endearingly irascible treatise ever.

Now, I must ask to be excused while I watch Heidi Klum's supersecrets on the Tyra Show. Let's start with "how I lost my babyweight in .106 seconds."