365 Pineapples for LC, Kristen, Jess, Danny, Bo, Gwen, Eva, Kevin, Jenny, Carson, and you

hello. How psyched am I? Here I am, kicking around on a Saturday mornin, thinking I am confined to coffee and a book, when --through god's holy grace, i'm totally sure-- the VH1 Big in '05 Awards are on! I have two words for ya: bitch. in'. So I threw my coffee on the rug and rushed over like a wide-eyed child seeing her first llama. Or rather, I set my coffee down neatly on a coaster and gathered my blanket and ibook on my lap like the media-consumed dweebosaurus that I am, and I got very, very excited. so yay.

We're only one award and one musical guest in, and i'm already peeing in my chair a little bit. The first award was the Style Award, presented by Queer Eye's Carson and Jenny (I wish I could remember the name of that fucking dating show right now dammit) McCarthy. She had on Fergie shorts! Like dressy black ones with cute silver hardware. I wasn't as into them on her though, but still pretty nice. Here were the nominees:

1. Gwen- I get it, but not for the Big in '05 awards. Lifetime achievement award possibly, or even maybe 4 years ago when she was still in breakout mode, but not particularly this year. Still hot, still can wear orange mesh and make it look neato, still can look pretty as both a platinum blonde and brunette (in the "Cool" video... very nice), but nothing screaming '05 winner.

2. Jessica- Okay, I guess I'm in. Her "These Boot are Made for Walking" video was amazing, but also not unlike Paris's burger joint commercial (I'm talking the whole suds&cars in a bikini motif). But I guess it had a lot more power than Paris's version, so that could be something to consider. She is obviously extremely attractive, but her hotness is a bit cookie-cutter (and I typically embrace cookie-cutter stylish if it's pulled-together and well-executed), but there's no straw-that-broke-the-style-margins'-back. Well, unless you count her fabulous hair, ridiculous body, and absurdly pretty face. But is this a who's hot contest or a who's stylin? I can't even remember any good Jessica outfits, other than her white suit from the MTV Awards 2 years ago, and 2003 is not 2005. I think. Oh, and one more thing-- as they did a little montage about each nominee, the voiceover for Jessica's stated that "she gives hard-ons to people who don't even have penises." That is a funny thing to say.

3. Eva Longoria- She's tiny. And wears elegant things. Lots of shiny baubles. Oh, and she wore that bathing suit thing at the Emmys.

[interlude: No who I don't like? Jamie Pressley. Don't know why. Her face, while very stunning though a bit severe, reminds me a bit of an angry doberman, and that scares me.]

4. Kevin Federline- Wait. What? No. Someone else will need to expound on his style. I just find him sloppy and in desperate need of Queer Eyeing. The gangsta-but-not thing does nothing for me. Clean that guy up, though, and hell, then I'm totally game-on. His bone structure is to die for. And I like his classic hats, especially that white one with the black sash. That's a good move-- maybe '06 will be his year to pull up his pants a little and buy after-shave balm.

So anyway, Jess won. Said she was "emotionable" about the win, and thanked her 158-member Glam Squad.
Serious, I am.

Okay, go get a snack and use the bathroom if you have to-- I'm moving to the next 2 minute segment. I suggest peanuts.

Next, we have LC and Kristen announcing INXS! They now have the same exact little CA bodies; and it wasn't always that way. I'm staring at them in their tight little dresses, and they are, like, fucking identical. And a bit boring. LC's black dress kinda looked like a bathing suit babydoll-style cover-up, but it was definitely cute. Kristen's dress looked like a combination of a figure skating outfit and something from the Jasmine Sola sale rack. And it was in a really bad gray color with no tonal nuance. Just gray. Like a front porch.

LC wins. And I still really like them both.

Bo Bice won "biggest reality star"? Love it. See.. a lesson in black and white: losers are winners, too. And, as an aside, a quote from Danny Bonaduce's montage that I would like to steal for myself at choice times: "He's like a train wreck, with a car accident placed on top, mixed with a baby on fire." Snatch.

365 pineapples for unexpected fun on a Saturday morning. And extra extra love for the reality show tv musical number -- it was like a big fun party of old friends. The "So You Think You Can Dance" dancers (Nick! Ashley!), the Top Models of seasons past (Michelle the wrestler! Brittany!), The Beauty and the Geek Beauties (mark my words: Lauren from the first season will be a huge huge star)... oh man, like a fireplace and yule log all wrapped up in a media-frenzied package. Happy New Year!

Singled Out. That's the name of that show.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, so Jessica is hot. I'm not as informed as I should be about her style -- scratch that, I've seen her in those Daisy Dukes, and that's all the style she needs to have in my book. I repeat: she's hot. But seriously, Carson doesn't even get a nomination for most stylish? He's relegated to presenting the award? That's certifiable bullshit, Geraldo. Bullshit. Not only does he have awesome style, but he's out there promoting it, making us heterosexual men everywhere willing and able to dress to impress. Where are the crabapples for whoever left Carson off that list??? Where's the outrage? It's here. Right here. 2006 pineapples for Carson and the Fab Five. (I don't know if I'm allowed to dole out pineapples, but some things just can't be allowed to fall through the cracks.)

10:26 AM  
Blogger kate.d. said...

a little bird told me* that the fergie shorts at red carpet events** were a Don't.

*the little bird is named Glamour, the one that I read once a year at the parents house because my mom can't resist buying the annual "Do's and Don'ts" issue.

**i don't know if Big in '05 qualifies as red carpet, so the point may well be moot.

12:20 AM  

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