100 Pineapples for Pretty Singing

So, I know it's March.
And that New Year's happened a significant chunk of time ago.
But this guy is just too great.

He sings!
He sits on the couch!
And there is wavering evidence midway through the video that his dog might just be alive!
(though you shouldn't count on it...)

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50 Pineapples for Masa Tapas

Last night, Jason and I went to Masa, hoping to make the South End less of a Black Hole for us; we also wanted tapas.

And tapas we got.
Chorizo with cranberry chutney, crispy plaintains with shrimp, some duck & scallop thing with onion things, black bean cakes with carnitas, mexican hummus on cukes...

yum. yum. yum. yum and yum.


17 Crabapples for Chewy Light Rum

So Orbit Gum decided to make an "EXOTIC NEW FLAVOR!": Mojito Mint.
Oh, this is clearly not a good idea.
But this also means that I am necessitated by the Mandate for Assy New Flavor Trying (1986) to buy it.

So buy it I did.
It was not good.
Upon first chew, I was all, "hmm. this is not too bad."
Then I promptly spit it out and looked around quizzically and angrily for where I put down my mojito.

This course of events is discomfiting at 9:15am. And considering that I typically chew gum immediately after morning coffee, this flavor just ain't gonna do.

Now... Manhattan gum... that might not be terrible.


More Crabapples Than You Can, As They Say, Shake a Stick At!

In a valiant attempt to expand my etymological knowledge, amuse myself quietly, and confuse/make fun of others more often, I have decided to start incorporating antiquated cliches and douchey sayings into my everyday speech as much as possible. No preference will be given for use cases in which the saying actually makes sense or hints at logic.
It's a great way to feel like a tool AND actually BE a tool.

I will aim to punctuate these tired sayings with a long, drawn-out "as they say," followed by a jubilant exclamation of the cliche at hand... as if, as they say, I'm in seventh heaven(!!!).

Let's take a look at some examples:

Scenario A:
At a convenience store, buying milk and cereal.
Clerk: That'll be $5.88. Do you need a bag?
Me: A bag!?! As they say, now that's the ticket!

Scenario B:
Babysitting in a park.
Small Impressionable Child: Jaynie, when can I go on the swingset?
Me: Well, Child, as they say, every dog has his day!
Small Impressionable Child: But I don't have a dog. I WANT A PUPPY!
Me: Oh, Child, no yelling, we're in a park... you really need to, as they saaaaay, mind your P's and Q's!
Small Impressionable Child: [pees.]

Scenario C:
At an Barack Obama press conference, upon being called upon to pose the capstone question of the afternoon.
Press Rep: Yes, you there [pointing at me].
Me: [I stop waving my hand frantically.] Mr.Obama, it seems that you have quite a... as they say... bee in your bonnet(!) about voting rights for disabled and minority voters. Why exactly are you, as they say, such a busy bee(!) about this issue?

Further examples welcome.
I'll let you know how it goes as I begin to put this ordinance into action... how many times I get punched, etc.


31 Pineapples for an Extra Big Sample Size

I had two dreams last night:

1. I was at Canobie Lake Park (a small amusement park in NH), playing arcade games. The game, which was designed to dispense quarters for winning, started rapidly spitting out 10 dollar bills. I stuffed my jeans full.

2. I was in J.P. Licks with Anne and Jason. I asked for a sample of soft-serve "Sweet Cream & Oreo" (which I don't think actually exists, but would certainly be delicious). Instead of giving me a tiny-tiny-cup sample per usual, the ice cream worker girl gave me a huge bowl. The three of us ate it and agreed that it was excellent. And then I decided that since I has already had a "sample" of that, I would place my real order. Peanut butter ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. It was big. Then Jason and Anne ordered equally huge sundaes, and I offered to pay (obviously... I had pockets full of tens). The total? $5.47. (Yes. $5.47.) Sweet deal.

I think Freud would conclude that I am clearly six years old, ice cream obsessed, and in the midst of a financial panic.

And yes, Freud would be all too correct.


10 Crabapples for Early Birds and/or Earlybirds

I have been seeing a shitload of robins lately.
This is bothering me far more than it should.
I always firmly believed that "first sign of Spring" thing. Most totally.
And suddenly they are everywhere, hopping on cruddy snowbanks, all hoppity-skittery across ice slicks.
My worldview feels threatened.

Tomorrow I am making pork.
Who makes pork?

Back to the stupid things written on packaging schtick--
I have a carton of supermarket brand eggwhites labeled "The Amazing Egg Whites."
Uh, they don't do shit.

I'm hating on the new blogger. Once I get motivated, I'm moving this guy over to WordPress. Blogger's all clunky and know-it-all. And I refuse to let it sign me in with my google account. Blogger-Not-Beta-Anymore, you don't own me.

Earlybirds is a strange word if you say it more than twice in a row.